frustrations continue

I have never had so much discord in my life as I am now experiencing in my later years. When I was younger and my husband was in the military and had to leave us months at a time I never experience the discord I now feel, I had to take care of 4 children by myself, I had a husband who at a whim would decide to move us, but in all of this I had the feeling of love, I had the feeling of togetherness, I had the feeling of family. Now in my later life I feel the disconnection of my family, I do not feel togetherness, I feel adrift in my life and I don't like it. I don't know how to fix it, I am so lost right now, no contentment, just frustrations. I have four daughters but I have to keep them in separate compartments in my heart and in my mind and that is so hard. We left Las Vegas to move to Alaska to have the family connection with our youngest daughter and her family, my oldest daughter also moved her family with us so we could continue the family togetherness but that did not happen and I don't have the answer. We returned to Nevada where we thought we would find the family togetherness and it has escaped us once again. I have to rethink my life and hope someday that all will be good again, in the meantime my one and only rock, my husband, will have to fill all the dispare I feel, all the frustrations I feel, all the lack of family togetherness I feel and he will have to be my rock, he will have to ground me, he will have to fill my heart with the love that I miss from my family, he will have to be my life.

Happy Mothers Day

I had a wonderful Mothers Day, in the early afternoon we went to Reno with Maura and Pete along with Pete's Mother and Dad, Josh, Lorraine and Dannie and I must not forget Marcus joined us, then there was Mary and her Mom, we had a really nice visit and a really nice light lunch, then this evening we went to Marina's house for dinner and it was a wonderful family gathering there, the Simpsons joined us, Brian's Mom and her friend came and he make the best lemon marauine pie, the tacos were wonderful, the kids were all there and it was so much fun to watch all the little ones playing and just having a wonderful time. I got roses from my hubby and a beautiful orchid plant from Maura and wonderful card greeting from the kids. I was wished a happy Mothers Day from Alaska from Catherine and Julia. All in All it made me feel very warm within my heart. I love my family.

sadness

Tomorrow is Mothers Day but for me it makes me sad, I have several reasons for not liking Mothers Day, the main reason is I don't have my mother to celebrate with anylonger, so if you have your mothers please let them know how special they are to you and hug them and tell them you love them unconditionaly, I know we are human and we make mistakes and sometimes we are not understood or taken the wrong way but we love and we hurt and we can be saddend.

The other reason for sadness this year is something I never thought I would experience within my family and children, I know there are spats from time to time but I never thought there would be such a big break in my family and have it split so deeply that right now I do not see any healing and that makes me so sad. I would love to be able to talk to all my children and share my thoughts and feelings and be able to talk about the funny, sad, happy, trials, gains, that each will experiance within their families and not feel like I am stepping on egg shells in case I say something to one that might make the other upset and make situations worse, I cannot nor will I try to fix it and try to set things right, I just cannot do it. I love all my children, I hurt for all my children.

I have never experienced such deep sadness in my life as I have been feeling for the past few years, I don't like this feeling, I want to be happy, I want to laugh, I want to feel great. I will just have to work at it and hope my remaining years will be good ones with great memories.